After watching @SimpPilgrim’s top 370 Pornstar list go viral a few weeks ago on Twitter, I was inspired to make a list of my own. My list, however, isn’t as dirty. Well…it’s dirty, but in a different way. Dirty in a greasy fast food kinda way.
Before I dive right in and list out my top five fast food restaurants, I want to be clear that this is a list of the traditional “fast food” spots across the country. I’m not talking about fast casual, so you won’t see places like Chipotle or Subway make the list.
I also want to clarify that this is a list of traditional fast foods joints, meaning a cheap burger or $1 taco is the main menu item. As such, you won’t see powerhouses like Popeyes, Chick Fil A, Canes, or KFC on this list. This is the down and dirty fast food list. All of these places on my list have a dollar menu or a value menu or whatever else they call it. Alright, that’s enough prefacing. Let’s dig into this masterpiece. Here are the top five (no debate):
5. Carl’s Jr/Hardee’s
At number five on the list we have Carl’s Jr, which my brother informed is called Hardee’s in the Midwest. They have pretty solid chicken tendies, and the barbecue bacon cheeseburgers really hit. It’s not bad. But it’s not great. “We’re Decent” would be a good slogan for them.
I can’t remember the last time I went to Carl’s, but I do love a good advertisement from them. I know supermodels don’t actually eat at this place, but it’s a nice visual.
4. Taco Bell
People might get mad at me for having T Bell as low as it is. I understand that I’m upsetting the die hard Taco Bell fans, but listen, when your restaurant only sounds good at 1am or later, that’s probably not a great sign. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell when the sun was out. I recall trying the breakfast once, but it wasn’t anything to write home about.
One upside for Taco Bell is that it really caters to all the “Drug Guys” out there. I don’t smoke weed, but I’ve heard from my criminal friends that Taco Bell is the ultimate weed food. I realize that any fast food is probably great while you’re high as balls, but apparently T Bell just hits different. I believe it too. Once again though, I want to emphasize that I don’t smoke. And I’m not saying that because my mom reads my articles.
Taco Bell is definitely the go-to for late night munchies. Unfortunately, there’s other fast food joints that have more of a complete package.
3. Jack in the Box
For number three on the list we’ve got Jack in the Box. And who can deny how great those old J in the B commercials were?
Jack was an absolute savage back in the day. Make sure to watch that first commercial where he beats the shit out of a dude for calling it “Junk in the Box.”
As far as their food goes, J in the B has some damn good chicken. The tendies are UNDENIABLY good. And if I’m really feeling like a fat ass, I’ll go chicken strip meal AND an extra chicken sandwich. The shit just hits. I can’t say Jack in the Box has ever let me down. Plus there’s quite a few of them in West LA, so sometimes I’ll walk in and sit with all the homeless people.
At number two we’ve got the golden arches. When I think of America, I think of McDonald’s. One in the same.
I feel like I’m always in the mood to fuck up some mcnuggets. Even if I just had dinner, mcnuggets always sound incredible. And the all day breakfast? To die for. Who doesn’t want a mcmuffin at 8pm? A piece of shit fitness guru, that’s who.
People always talk down on McDonald’s, but secretly, everyone loves the stuff. Nobody admits to loving McDonald’s yet they somehow serve 68 million customers a day? Something doesn’t add up there…
We all love McDonald’s. Whether you care to admit it or not.
At the top spot, we’ve got the ginge.
When it comes to nationwide chains, there is nothing better than Wendy’s. As you can tell from my previous fast food rankings, I’m a big chicken guy. The burgers don’t always do it for me. (Ironically enough, Burger King has my favorite fast food burger, and they didn’t even make the list.) Chicken was a big factor in my decision making, so deal with it.
In addition to the food, Wendy’s also takes the cake for the dessert category. (See what I did there? Cake, dessert… pretty good)
When it comes to dessert, there is no better fast food chain than Wendy’s. Dairy Queen’s Blizzards might compete, but their food is a complete joke. Plus, Dairy Queen is only open til like 9pm. Do I look like an 80 year old?
Anyways, Wendy’s has the best dessert, thanks to their dank ass Frosty. And remember, it’s not a liquid or a solid, it’s a soquid.
Now, before I get anymore hate, I realize that Wendy’s is against the LGBT community, as is Chick Fil A. But here’s a question for you: Does that make their food any less desirable? No, it doesn’t. I am not going to cancel a fast food chain unless their FOOD created a problem for me. (Like bad gas or something.) I don’t care about a fast food chain’s human rights or political decisions. All fast food joints treat their own people like shit. So of course they treat other people like shit too. But I don’t care about a food joint’s generosity. If it’s dank, put it in the tank.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for giving my list a read. Hopefully you agree with everything on here. If not, you’re wrong.